


Troll Hamlet

by sbdrag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, kismessitude
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-10
Updated: 2011-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-23 14:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/251537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sbdrag/pseuds/sbdrag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is Hamlet and Karkat is Ophelia.</p><p>For round three of the HSO.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Troll Hamlet

“Ha, ha! Are you honest?” Dave asked, smirking.

“My lord?” Karkat asked, the words causing his blood to boil. He was, however, a professional, and his rage did not manage to penetrate his perfect portrayal of Ophelia.

“Are you fair?” Dave, a rising star playing Hamlet, continued. Karkat could see in the depths of his pretentious smirk that his co-star was reveling in his role more than need be. He was scowling on the inside, fighting to keep himself in check. The troll had been acting for years with the Interstellar Derse Theatrical Troupe, and this was the first time he was not playing Hamlet in the production. It only turned his thoughts more vehemently against the poser that had stolen his spotlight.

“What means your lordship?” Ophelia asked, and Karkat couldn’t quite keep the venom undertone out of his voice. His eyes narrowed slightly, and he shifted his weight. He felt tense, on edge. At least this was in a troll production, and the director had decided to make Ophelia male, as well as updating the play to modern times, so that Hamlet was Prince of the space colony of Denmark. In this scene, however, they were aboard the prince’s spaceship.

“That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty,” Dave said, brows raising. There was a thread of bemusement in his voice, and he took a step forward. Karkat hated the way the space suit fit perfectly to the human’s lean frame, the black dramatic and complementary. What, no, fuck that, Karkat thought, mentally berating himself.

“Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce then with honesty?” the troll said. He was supposed to be cringing away from Hamlet, but thought fuck it and stood his ground, the scowl creeping onto his face. From the corner of his eye, he saw the director wave off his assistant director, watching from his seat intensely. The stage had seating three hundred sixty degrees around, and sets were produced as holograms; but Karkat’s world was swiftly dissolving to include only the human before him.

“Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the time gives it proof,” Dave said, taking another step forward. He was getting close, but Karkat was not going to back down to this fuckass, the role be damned. The human’s smirk became slightly more bemused, but also bitter. “I did love you once.”

“Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so,” Karkat said, not even pretending to keep the contempt from his voice as he crossed his arms. Right before you fucked me over, douchenozzle, he thought. He’d been in a relationship with Dave before – nothing serious, but with some red undertones. That’s when Karkat had stupidly mentioned the open auditions for Hamlet. He hadn’t expected to be shown up, especially not by someone he had considered pursuing. Stupid stupid stupid.

“You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it: I loved you not,” Dave said, his third step bringing his face within inches of Karkat’s. The troll glared defiantly, red eyes boring into black shades.

“I was the more deceived,” Karkat said, and he could swear Dave’s smirk became all the more assholeish.

“Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?” the human said, shoving Karkat back and practically off his feet. The troll growled glaring up at Dave. “I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves, all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery. Where's your lusus?”

“At home, fuckass,” Karkat said, making Dave raise his brows while remaining nonplussed. He was changing the lines to suit him now, but fuck if he was going to call this nooksniffer ‘my lord’ one more time.

“Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the fool no where but in's own house. Farewell,” Dave said, turning. Karkat, as Ophelia, was not meant to be aggressive. The troll decided to throw the role to hell grabbed Dave’s arm, digging his claws in as he whirled him around.

“Fuck him, we were discussing other matters,” he said. Dave didn’t miss a beat.

“Well, bro, if you ever do find a matesprit, I hope the feelings all one sided, like you rolled a 20 on a twenty sided die, and they didn’t even own one,” he said. “They were so far from owning one that the nearest derpo game shop was on another planet, about to be destroyed by fucking meteors.”

“Fuck you!” Karkat spat, letting go of Dave’s arm to take a swing at those fucking shades. Dave dodged easily.

“Yeah, and I know about you, too. You make out like you’re the shit; calling out everybody else on how shitty their lives are, and sometimes you even pretend like you give a fuck. But I know it’s all an act, bro, and that you fucking hate yourself; all the ‘fuckasses’ you call friends are just there so you can make yourself feel better at how shitty their lives are compared to yours. Except they aren’t, cause they’re fucking happy, and you hate yourself too much to be like that. I’m on to you, bro, and I’m not putting up with that shit.”

“You fucking-!” Karkat snarled, grabbing Dave’s shoulder hard enough that his claws tore through the costume, pulling him forward to punch him with his other hand, but Dave grabbed his wrist. Then the human punched him in the gut, and Karkat lost his wind. With a growl the troll lurched up, head butting Dave.

“Shit,” the human said, taking a step back and grabbing his now broken shades. It was all Karkat needed to tackle him to the ground.

Karkat barely had time to notice the red eyes under the shades before crashing his lips again Dave, taking extra care to slash him with his teeth. The human groaned gruffly, continuing to struggle against the troll above him while viciously returning the kiss. Dave reached and grabbed a fistful of Karkat’s hair, pulling hard and making grunt in pain. The troll bit his lower lip in retaliation, and Dave managed to maneuver his knee into Karkat’s stomach. The troll rose up to punch the human across the face, and Dave used the leverage to roll on top of the troll. The human got a stranglehold on the troll’s neck, and Karkat snarled, digging his claws into Dave’s forearms. The human leaned down and crushed his lips against the trolls, too worked up to really feel the pain. Karkat moved one hand to viciously pull the blonde’s hair, and the other to claw at his ribs. Dave sucked in a breath, loosening his stranglehold enough for Karkat to roll them over again. The troll bit the human’s neck, hard, the metallic tang of blood filling his mouth as he one-handedly pinned Dave hands above the human. But with amazing dexterity, Dave kicked Karkat off, and the troll rolled a small ways away.

They both rose to a crouch, a set of glaring red eyes.

“I fucking hate you,” Karkat snarled.

“Not anymore than I hate you,” Dave said, spitting a wad of blood to the floor.

“It’s krilliant!” the director shouted. Dave and Karkat warily looked over, still watching each other.

“I wwish I had glub thought of it!” Eridan said. He had jumped up from his seat, and began pacing excitedly. “Wwho wwants some glubbin’ tragedy about some dumbfuck prince and his bitchy matesprit? No, wwe’ll makeral this into the best Hamlet evver: Troll Hamlet, the tail of the black rom between the cool kid Prince Hamlet and his kismesis, Ophelia. This is goin’ to be a big fish production, I can just tail!”

Karkat glared at Dave. So, the fuckass was playing his kismesis now?

He supposed he could live with that.

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> originally i intended just to end it, but might consider continuing this...


End file.
